you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
