i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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