mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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