I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
