Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
