Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think I just sharted jello shots
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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