he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My dick has a subreddit
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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