WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
