I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You were trust falling into bushes
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
