Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
