we have officially lost it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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