sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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