So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
