Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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