my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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