i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Randomize
