Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
