Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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