Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
