Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
