I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
