i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
