I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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