we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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