He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
