i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
