Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
