he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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