i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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