Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You dont lie about slip and slides
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
