Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
