I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize