Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize