Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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