Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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