Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize