I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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