My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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