you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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