i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
