Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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