he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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