My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You are the jesus of drinking
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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