i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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