Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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