And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
