My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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