My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Less talking, more tequila
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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