Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
