i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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