I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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