He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
