Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
