imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
