If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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