I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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