No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
