Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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